It has taken me some time to decide whether or not to write about my experience with infertility. I am normally a very private person and do not share these parts of my life with just anyone. I have decided,though, to share my feelings and I hope this will be a cathartic experience for me. Let me preface that I will talk about spiritual experiences, and my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
It has been 27 months since we officially started trying for children. We decided to wait a year longer than expected to start because we were moving and Jeremy was starting school again. That was 2010 and it was also the year we lost Wanda (Jeremy's mom) to cancer. At the end of that year we decided it was time to start a family. We kept going with life in 2011. Jeremy worked diligently at school all year and I started my Master's degree that fall. Being engaged in something worthwhile helped keep my mind off of our lack of a pregnancy. My cycle was a bit wacky that year because I was coming off birth control, but it slowly became regular again. For those of you who know me, this next statement will not come as a surprise. My patience was tested! While I have increased my patience it is still not one of my top virtues.
After the first year passed with nothing happening we decided to check infertility issues. We started researching and checking with out doctors, but we didn't yet want to start tests. I think neither of us wanted to see that official note that something was wrong. Well... In June 2012 we finally had some testing done and found that there was an issue. I am not going to go into detail about what the issue is or with whom because that is too personal, but I will tell you that it is an issue that makes it impossible for us to have children without medical intervention. We tried some medications that were supposed to help, but with no results. So we began researching other options. For whatever reason IVF and other AI options did not seem right. We considered adoption, but not seriously.
A few months later I had the opportunity to go to the Bountiful Utah temple with my mom. It was a beautiful day and I felt strongly that I should pray about whether or not we were supposed to adopt. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the LDS church and our doctrines (what we truly believe and not what the world tells you) we believe in personal revelation and that God still speaks to us today. While in the temple I had a strong feeling about becoming a mother. It was almost as if a vision opened up before me and I could see my future. I saw myself with a child. It was a beautiful little girl and I knew that she was mine, but that I hadn't given birth to her. I knew, from that moment, that we were supposed to adopt. It took me a couple of days to convince myself to talk to Jeremy about it. I thought that he would be upset. I was surprised when he told me he felt similar. So we began doing some research. We looked at a lot of different agencies. We found that most places ranged from $20,000 to $40,000 just for the adoption fee (that didn't include any extra costs like travel or medical expenses for the birth mother.) We decided to check LDS Family Services and found that they only charge 10% of your income for the fee. There is a $3000 account set up for the birth mother to use if she chooses. Anything she doesn't use would be returned to us. But we had to wait. We decided not to start anything until after I was finished with my last year of school. That seemed impossible to me to wait almost a year, but then school started and I got really busy. May rolled around and it was time to start the process.
I scheduled our first meeting for the adoption with one of the social workers at our local LDS Family Services office in Logan. The meeting went well and we got a lot of information on what to expect. We also got our first paperwork and began working on that. When we left the office, though, we both had this weird feeling. Jeremy was in a sheer panic and I had these nagging doubts that we wouldn't be approved for some reason. We pushed that aside, though, and kept going. We got the necessary forms for a background check and our Bishop filled out his forms. The bishop had to mail in his form. Before I could make the first payment - a non-refundable application fee - I had to make sure our bishop's paperwork had been received. I contacted our case worker a couple of times, but never got a clear answer. Now, I do not blame her. I know she does a lot and works very hard, but it became clear to me at that time, that maybe we were on the wrong path.
I know that seems weird since we had felt so strongly about adoption in the first place, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Knowing that there was something to look forward to made it easier for me to get through my last year of school without nagging Jeremy. Also, as we have moved forward, I know I could not have done school and what we will have to do moving forward. I did more praying, talking to family, and sitting in the temple. I was really confused and needed guidance. I kept asking if moving forward with adoption was right and just felt confusion and emptiness. I kept having this persistent feeling to go see my OB/GYN. "Go see your doctor" was the exact wording. I talked to Jeremy and he said that if that is what I was feeling then that is what we should do. It took me a couple weeks to get to making an appointment, but I finally did. In the meantime, we started trying some natural remedies for Jeremy's fertility issue to see if that would help. So far, we do not think it is doing what needs to be done, but have since found that there may be more going on.
On July 9th we went in for our first fertility appointment. I had done some research and found that IUI (intra-uterine insemination) is a possibility for us as long as I ovulate normally. The only way to know that for sure was to see a doctor and possibly do some testing. In our first appointment the doctor did a regular Pap smear and tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia (which was, of course negative). These were to test for the possibility of a cervical issue or Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Those have now both been ruled out. We discussed my menstrual cycle and a normal period for me.
Since high school I have had horrible, awful, no good, very bad periods. I have cramps that will only go away with a heat pad, rest, and some pretty strong pain meds (tylenol, ibuprofen, and Midol do NOT make it go away, they only dull it). The cramps are not only in my lower abdomen, but also my lower back. I also get pretty bad nausea and have vomited from the pain. I also get extremely fatigued and have digestive issues (these occur at all times, but are worst during my period and have gotten worse with time). The doctor said these were pretty common signs of endometriosis.
For those of you who aren't familiar with endometriosis it is when endometrial cells that normally line the uterus do not sluff off normally during your period. Normally, they will sluff off and bleed out of the vagina. When you have endometriosis, some of the cells will go back up toward your Fallopian tubes, exit the uterus, and attach to the outside of the uterus, intestines, and/or other pelvic organs and walls. This causes the symptoms I experience as well as being the leading cause of infertility in women.
This, though, allows the doctor to create a plan of action that is more concrete than, "we have no idea what is going on and will do some tests." I go in this week for a diagnostic ultrasound to check for abnormalities and any endometrial cysts that might show up. They will also do blood tests to check my thyroid hormones, prolactin (a brain hormone), and ovary hormones. These have to be tested between days 3 and 7 of my cycle, which means right after you start your period (so, yes, I am on my period...watch out!). Then, between days 20-22, I will go in to have some more blood tests done to check for ovulation and progesterone.
Then comes the big part of the tests (the moment of truth really). The doctor needs to check to ensure my Fallopian tubes are open. If they are not then, of course, no egg would ever get to my uterus and sperm couldn't get to the egg anyway! There are two ways to do this, but the doctor (and we) are leaning toward one. One of the tests is a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) where they inject a dye in your tubes and use x-ray to see if the due travels normally to your uterus or gets stuck.
The other option, and the one we are leaning toward, is a laparoscopy. It is a surgery where small incisions are made in the abdomen. They can check the Fallopian tubes, as well as look for endometriosis. It is the only way to diagnose endometriosis with a certainty and to know the extent. Endometriosis is a weird thing because some women with severe cases have few symptoms and those with mild cases have severe symptoms. I am hoping to schedule this surgery in between my jobs (I start a teaching job in the fall). That way, I have plenty of time to rest and recuperate before starting teaching. If they do find endometriosis they can remove it by burning it off.
Then, depending on the severity and what is done in the surgery, we can try IUI. As long as I am ovulating normally we want to try IUI without any injections or ovulation-inducing medicine to begin. We can always do that if it doesn't work, but want to try without it first. When we would be able to do that, again, will depend on what they find in the surgery. It can be anywhere from 1 month to 6 months. The surgery, though, will relieve my endometriosis symptoms and double our pregnancy chances for the next year.
After Jeremy and I left the doctor's office, we both felt really good. We did not feel fear, uncertainty, or doubts. To me, that means we are on the right path to having a family. It used to be difficult to drive by baby stores, see other people having babies, or, even, hear people complain about their kids. Don't they know just how lucky they are to be able to get pregnant without difficulty?? That, though, has changed since seeing the doctor. I feel like I have something concrete to hold onto. Something real. A diagnosis that means there is hope. I think, it also helps take that responsibility off of Jeremy. There is an issue on both sides. It also means that we will know how we can add to our family in the future. In the end, I have to have hope and faith that if I just follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit that we will be blessed. I know that we WILL have a family. I have always known that my greatest calling in life will be to be a mother. Now, I just have to have the faith and patience (the hardest part for me) to let it go, and put my trust in Heavenly Father's plan. I am just grateful I have my family, Jeremy, and the comforts of faith to get through this.
