Oh the joys of being prepared! When we decided that we wanted adopt, we went in full throttle. Our minds were set and we knew we were making the right choice. People have often questioned our decision, and well-meaning friends have pushed us to see their fertility doctor, or visit this or that clinic, but we have no doubt that this is the right way for us to bring children into our lives and family. Jeremy had already decided well before I did, but I guess I needed a little more convincing. One beautiful July day, my mom and I had the opportunity to go to the Bountiful, Utah temple. We just wanted to go and enjoy some time there in a very peaceful place. While there, I had a distinct feeling that there was a child who was waiting to be in our home. I didn't feel like this child was already born, but that they would come to us through adoption. I can't really explain the feeling, or anything else about it, but I knew, without a doubt, that we were to adopt. So, I got home and told Jeremy. I was super nervous. I didn't know how he would react, but all he said was "I feel the same way." So we began our search. This all happened about 18 months after we had started trying to have a child, and about a month after we learned that it would be quite complicated for us to do so. As we talked we both felt that fertility treatments just weren't right. The cost, travel, hormones, possible surgeries, etc, etc, etc, etc, just weren't something we thought we could handle at that point.
About 18 more months later we had finally settled on an adoption agency: LDS Family Services. We began the process with them, and about a year or so after that we were approved and waiting! What a process it was though. They really go through your life, your family, your situation, ALL OF IT, to make sure they aren't placing a child with crazy people. Which is definitely good. 5 months after our approval, we found out that things were changing with LDS Family Services and we had another choice to make: go with another agency or pursue independent adoption. We talked, prayed, though, talked some more, prayed some more, and decided to go with independent adoption. We looked at different agencies again and again, but none of them felt right for us. There are some truly incredible agencies out there, but we had to do what we felt was right.
So, here we are! 8 months in and anxiously awaiting "the call." Or "the email." Or however it happens. I can't even begin to imagine the process birth mothers go through in choosing a family to place their child with. The fact that we could even be considered is such a miracle to me. They are angels on earth!
In the meantime, I figured I shouldn't sit around and wait while twiddling my thumbs. I should take some action! So, I got my Master's Degree, we bought a house, I started a new career, bought a new car, traveled to Yellowstone and Philadelphia, went on our honeymoon, created pass-along cards (coming soon!) and starting prepping a nursery. I know that might be a little pre-emptive, but I couldn't think of a better way to feel like I was prepared. We bought a crib (fixed side), dresser/changing table, lamp, rug, glider, and wall decorations. We decided to go with an owl theme. Before she passed away, Jeremy's mom had made a bunch of baby quilts. There was one that jumped out at me for this nursery. So we had a basic color scheme and idea.
The whole quilt is blue, green, and yellow, with animals on it! Jeremy then mentioned one that that he loved owl-themed decorations, so owls it was! We are using the quilt as a wall hanging above the changing table. My mom, sister-in-law, and I painted the room a beautiful cream color, and then we began the decorating. We decided where everything should go and started hanging up pictures. In this process, my family went to see "The Forgotten Carols." It's a tradition we have to go every year and it is so amazing! If you haven't seen it, or don't know the story, I would highly suggest you see it or read the book! And listen to the songs. There is one song called "Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby," and every time that song is sung I burst into tears. Some years it has been almost uncontrollable sobs, and other just silent crying. Either way, I ALWAYS cry. The song is about a woman who is unable to have children, but has the chance to hold the newborn Jesus. Well, they were selling pictures that went with this song and I just HAD to have one!
As you can see, it is a beautiful and touching picture. So, it is included in the nursery! The whole thing isn't quite done, but I hope to put some pictures up as soon as it is. Luckily I had some help from my adorably crafty sister-in-law because I am not very good and "cute" decorating, but she is AMAZING! I think that the next time I decorate I may just hire her. Anyway, each time I complete a piece of something that I have control over, I always feel a little better about the waiting part. It really is the hardest part of the whole process. Especially when you have downtime like I did during Spring Break this past week.
The crib and nursery, and all that, is not, though, the only meaning behind my statement of "oh the joys of being prepared!" While we are working to be prepared physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am so grateful that there is someone else making sure I am prepared spiritually. This is going to be a beautiful and challenging time, and I have no idea what the timeline is. I can only wait. Heavenly Father, though, knows all, and I know that he has been preparing me over the last 4+ years to be a mother. He has helped me to let go of the idea of being pregnant and look with eager anticipation to holding a child in my arms and giving it unconditional love. He has prepared me to let go of the things I cannot change or control. To only do what I can and trust in Him. I have been able to let myself accept His guidance and hand and grow closer to Him. He has also helped Jeremy and I strengthen our marriage. I have watched many couples go through infertility and their marriage suffers. So much thought and pressure is put on the getting pregnant, that the couple loses site of each other. Jeremy and I have made it a priority to put each other first. There are moments when the whole process becomes overwhelming, but I know that I have Jeremy to help lift me up in those moments (or vice versa). I don't have to wonder whether or not I can count on him because I know I can. And I know that is because we have made sure to keep our marriage strong throughout the whole thing.
