Bullying

Starting with my own experiences with bullying (being bullied particularly) and moving into my decision to become a teacher, it is always something I have felt strongly about.  When I decided to teach middle school I knew I would be dealing with some bullying issues as this is a really hard time in student's lives.  They are gaining some independence, they have more free time since they change classes, and have less supervision at lunch.  They are also at a time in life when they are beginning to notice differences between themselves and others.  For some reason this is when girls begin bullying the most.  Boys tend to take longer to start that and I think it has more to do with testosterone and gender roles than girls.  Girls will bully people who are different in the way they talk, dress, look, etc, etc, etc.  I have always wondered why girls do that, but my own theory is that girls have more fear for those who are different, especially at a time in their own lives when they are insecure themselves.

In the school where I teach, I have noticed an interesting break from "tradition."  No, it's not that we don't have bullying at all.  That would be a miracle.  It's that instead of the "minority" or "outsider" groups being bullied, those are the groups that are bullying others.

I learned last week about a student that is being bullied so horribly that she is afraid to come to school.  She is afraid that she will continue to be bullied and that the bullies will retaliate now that she reported them.  At this stage of life I have noticed that lots of students don't want to report bullying for fear of retaliation.  The bullies, though, are not told who reported them.  In fact, I heard the group talking in the hall yesterday about who they thought it was and none of them could figure it out.

It is probably good that I am writing this post a few days after-the-fact because I was a lot more emotional on Friday when I learned about what was going on.  In fact, I started crying when the student's father told me.  I have a habit of trying not to cry in public, but I couldn't help it.  It brought up a lot of emotions in me that I didn't expect to feel again.  Starting in 8th grade I was bullied by a group of girls.  I still have no idea why they bullied me, but it didn't matter.  They tried many times to make me feel like less of a human.  I was very lucky in that there were other students who stood up for me and helped keep things from getting really bad.  It didn't change how I began to feel about myself, though.  I can trace many not so great decisions back to the feelings of inadequacy that began during that period of my life.  It has taken years to realize that none of those feelings are valid, and that none of them define who I truly am.  That was a time in my own life when I became more of an introvert.  I have always been a bit introverted naturally, but that made it worse.  Getting away and moving to another state for college where no one knew me or my past helped a lot.  I was able to begin feeling like I was worth something again.  I also had a good group of friends to surround myself with.  Yet those feelings come back up whenever I see someone else going through what I went through.

The emotion, though, that I did not in any way expect was a feeling of protectiveness.  What my family calls "mama bear syndrome."  All I wanted to do was protect this student from the horrible experience she was having.  It had apparently gotten so bad that this student's parents were thinking about pulling her out and homeschooling her.  Luckily, we have a wonderful principal who does not tolerate bullying and ensured that the appropriate punishment was given to the bullies.  I was and am just so upset for this student that I can't even seem to get my thoughts straight.  This student is kind, beautiful, thoughtful, and a truly incredible person all-around.  The fact that someone else would try to bring her down and make her feel like less of a human astounds me.  Maybe it's because of my own experiences that I have absolutely zero tolerance for that kind of behavior.  If I ever see it happening in my classroom my students see a side of me they never want to see again.

In the past I have had the opportunity to teach about the Civil Rights Movement of the 50s and 60s and I use Martin Luther King Jr;s "I Have a Dream" speech to talk about the way we treat other people.  I use that speech as a way to show students that while we have come very far, we have a long way to go to achieve that dream.  To achieve the dream of viewing another person as human no matter what they look like.  Of not seeing people as good or bad, but simply as people who make choices.  There are people who make bad and horrible choices.  Those people are responsible for the consequences of their choices.  I do understand that there are exceptions to every rule, but I feel like so many people are trying to be the exception instead of the rule.  I have watched this group of bullies in our school play the victim so many times that it makes me sick.  They instigate and instigate and then act like they did nothing wrong.  It's bad that I can no longer have any sympathy for them or trust them in any way, but it's the way it is.  There is an amazing Broadway musical called Aida.  In one scene Aida, who is a Nubian princess who has been captured and turned into an Egyptian slave, is talking to an Egyptian soldier who is engaged to the Egyptian princess.  The soldier is complaining that his life is so difficult and he is trapped.  Aida turns to him and says "You are your own master.  There are no shackles on you.  If you don't like your fate, change it!"  I have come to a point in my own life where I feel that this should be a life motto in some ways.  There are many things I don't like or want to complain about, but why should I complain if I am not willing to change it.  I am my own master.  This is a lesson I try to teach to those students who are always blaming someone or something else for why they didn't follow a rule or didn't get something done.  I know they are at a difficult age where those types of ideas and lessons are almost like speaking another language, but I don't think it is too early to learn them.

In the LDS the Young Women's Program (for girls ages 12-18) strives to teach a set of values.  They include Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Good Works, Choice and Accountability, and Integrity.  While I feel that all of them are very important, I wish that more emphasis was put on choice and accountability.  I feel like it's the red-headed step child of the group (PS. I love red heads!)  I feel that if more people took responsibility for their own choices there would be fewer problems in the world.  But maybe that's the kicker.  People don't want to be responsible for themselves.  If they are, that means they have to accept their own mistakes and fix them.  That can be really difficult.  I'm not even perfect at that, but I am trying.  I hear a lot of stories about people who just got "caught up in the wrong crowd," or "are really a good person," and I recognize that those things happen, but I don't think that means that they don't deserve a punishment for doing something wrong.  Sometimes they need a harsher punishment to realize how far they "fell" and get back on their feet.  Perhaps I am just rambling and idealistic, but I don't like to see other people treated poorly or able to get away with treating someone else horribly.  I know that many people weren't taught the type of behavior in which others are treated with kindness and respect, but it is just really hard for me to see.  I want to do more about it, but don't know what I have the power to do.  So many times the bullies don't respond to any type of punishment, but.... I don't know.  I wish that I had the means to provide more psychological assistance to both the victims and perpetrators of bullying as bullies tend to have their own issues they need to work through, but I don't.