New life!

 Fall Break was definitely an exciting time in our home.  I had to take a big test for my teaching license re-certification on Thursday morning.  I had been dreading it for over a month.  It was one of those tests where they test all of this random knowledge of theory with only a few questions on practical application, but it is required so I took it!  I studied and studied Wednesday night (the 14th), and felt like I had a good grasp on the concepts.  Well, I got up Thursday morning - later than usual since it was Fall Break and I didn't have to teach that day - and got ready.  Just as I was about to leave the house, I got a text that my sister-in-law was on her way to the hospital because her water had broken.  They were only two hours away so I knew I had time.  I went up to campus and took my test.  Somehow I was able to focus on the test and not the fact that my new nephew would be born soon (IT WAS A MIRACLE!!)

Once I finished my test I went home, vacuumed my house (it was in dire need of a good vacuuming) and packed a bag.  Then I headed down to the hospital with my parents.  Since we didn't know how long it would be or when we would be back, Jeremy didn't go with us - he couldn't miss work the next day.  We got to the hospital pretty quickly despite rush hour traffic, multiple accidents, and large spots of construction.  When we got there, we didn't get to go in immediately as she was getting her epidural (which ended up being a really good decision).  After about 45 minutes or so we got to go back and visit with her.  We got there around 2pm and just hung out talking, laughing, making fun of each other (with the exception of my sister-in-law Kaitlynn.  No one was making fun of her).  A few hours went by, then a few more.  We ate some dinner and let her rest for a while.  Then we continued to wait.  I always knew that labor was a long process, but I didn't realize just how long and..... laborious (groan.. I know).

As is custom, the nurses kept coming in to check on Kaitlynn's progress, which was slow.  They kept turning the Petocin on and off, but noticed that the baby's heart rate would drop when she was on it in larger doses.  But if she was off the Petocin she wasn't progressing as they would like.  In addition, the baby was head-down, but face up.  Normally the baby is face down and that keeps them from getting bruised as badly.  Around 11pm they called the doctor in and decided that the best choice was to do a C-section.  We went and waited in the lobby (it was my parents, myself, and Kaitlynn's family).  We waited anxiously, all quite nervous.  My mom watched a video on C-sections and was in the middle of telling us about them when we heard what might possibly be the most beautiful sound in the entire world - the sound of a baby's first cries.  We all knew that those were the cries we had been waiting for and we all started crying, too.  The receptionist at the counter told us we could go wait by the doors they will come out of for when the baby was brought out to be taken to the nursery for testing.  After what seemed like FOR-E-VER, but was probably only about 10 minutes, my brother, Isaac, came out with their new son, Aiden.  He told us that they had made the right decision because as soon as the doctor saw the baby he informed them that the cord was wrapped around his neck.  They got him out, though, and he was as healthy as could be.  He was 20.5 inches and 8 pounds, 10 ounces.  Even though he was a fairly big baby, he was as sweet as could be.  He barely cried while they were doing the tests (even when he got shots and blood drawn).  It was amazing, though.  Every time he would start to cry, Isaac would reach out and take his hand, and Aiden stopped crying almost immediately.

After the testing was done, we went back up to the room, held him, and then left so that Kaitlynn, Isaac, and Aiden could have time together as a new family, and get some rest.  We went to a hotel and got a few hours of sleep before heading back to the hospital for a while.  We got to just sit and hold Aiden (which was amazing!) and talk to Kaitlynn.  It also allowed Isaac to go and take a test that he was walking out the door to take when Kaitlynn informed him she was in labor and they were off to the hospital.  Not long after we arrived, the doctors told Kaitlynn she could eat normal food (not just IV fluids anymore.. YAY!)  so we got her a milkshake.  I have now gained a new respect for all of my sisters-in-law.  They have all gone through labor, and put up with all of the shenanigans that their families enact when sitting in the room with them.  They are amazing women.  Well, eventually we had to head home and that was a painful experience.

I can't ever begin to understand in full the pain a birth mother feels when she places her child with their adoptive parents and has to leave the hospital.  I imagine she feels very alone and as if something is missing.  All I know is that I think I felt an umpteenth (like a millionth of a percentage) of what they feel as I left Aiden.  It was like a piece of my heart was no longer where it should be.  I feel that every time I leave my nieces and nephews, but with this one being so new, so vulnerable, and so small, I think it was a little different.  This experience also exponentially increased my respect for those amazing birth mothers who carry that child for 9 months, experiencing a kind of hell during that time.  Some of them sicker than they have ever been in their lives.  Yet, they make that selfless decision to place their child.  In no way am I saying that mothers who choose to parent are selfish.  In both cases the parents are making the decision that they feel is best for their child, and that is what matters.  But, at this point, I can only speak about birth mothers.  I am so amazed at their resilience, strength, and awed by their love.  They are the answer to prayer, truly.  This experience also impressed upon me just how amazing it will be to expand my family, not only with a child, but with a whole group of new people.  If it is what the birth parents want, we will gain more aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other family members.  It will be like our family tree just sprouted more beautiful branches and became stronger.  I

All good things must come to an end...

As it does every year... Summer must end.  It was a wonderful end, though.  After our family reunion we flew back to Utah with two nieces and a nephew.  We got to spend time playing, swimming, and enjoying kid time!  The kids stayed at my parents house, but since that is only 10 minutes away we still got to spend a lot of time together.  Jeremy and I took the two older ones to see The Minion Movie, taught them to play chess, and filled them up on candy before returning them to grandma.  Yeah, we know how to do this aunt and uncle thing.  But, eventually they had to go home.  But not before coming to our house, playing with the kitties and getting to ride the 50.  They were so excited to ride it and it was so much fun to see my nephew get a feel for it this year.  I have a feeling my dad will end up with an Arsenal of small dirt bikes just for when the grandkids come to visit.

Things then began to settle for a couple weeks before we went back to school.  During that time I did a good deep clean on our house and finally got to do some yard work, just in time to renew our home study.   The renewal is definitely much less stressful than the first time we did it.  I think mostly because we already knew what they were looking for.  And we already had a relationship with our social worker.  But, it went well and we are set for another year.

It is always so interesting to talk to people about our journey.  Of course, we inevitably get asked if we have considered fertility treatments and why we chose not to do them, etc, etc, but I just tell them that we spent plenty of time pondering our options, and praying over them, and feel completely sure in our choice.  We know that adoption is the route we will go this time around and perhaps every time around.  And people are always so shocked that I am not upset or completely devastated with that decision.  If anything I am happy, excited, and very much looking forward to it.  I just know that it is the path for us.  My mom is always so happy when I say that I am not upset about someone else getting pregnant because that is not my path. I recently read a BYU devotional from the 70s all about how we all have different paths.  We all have different trials and struggles.  And I have always beloved and this article confirmed that I was aware of the struggles I would experience before I even came to this world.  I knew what was in store.  I may not have fully understood the emotional aspect, but I knew that infertility and adoption would be part of my journey.  And I agreed to it.  Which means that there is absolutely no reason to be jealous or upset or anything else when I knew this would be my path.  And especially when I know that both Jeremy and I have been promised parenthood.  And perhaps it won't be in this life, but so be it.  Whatever Heavenly Father has planned is what should be.  He knows better than me what life has in stores.  Plus, I get to spend every day shaping and molding the next generation.  I get to put that maternal instinct into action daily.

Speaking of teaching, we are now back in school and to midterm for the first quarter.  I can't believe the time has flown by so quickly.  This year has been very interesting.  It is this crazy mix of good and insanity.  What I have found is that I am struggling to really develop a bond with the students like I have in the past.  There are a few that I have, but I feel very distant from most of the and I don't know why.  I have noticed that this group is higher academically than my previous group, but it seems that while they are academically higher, they aren't able to joke around as much.  Perhaps they just need some maturing time, but it has made this an interesting beginning to the year.  I also have some more difficult resource and behavioral students who have really pushed me at the beginning of this year.  We are starting, though, to get into a groove and they are figuring out that I am not able to be manipulated.  That is not to say that these students are horrible people, but they are incredibly intelligent.  Intelligent enough to figure out how to get out of things they don't want to do, but that is just not something I want to let happen.  Now,  for their accommodations through an IEP, I will adjust the sign meant or allow them to complete it in an alternate way, but I still want them to learn.

I am also working an extended contract this year, which means that  I teach all 7 class periods, plus study hall.  So then I have to work an extra 45 minutes before or after school to make up that prep time that I miss.  And I don't tend to have a lack of things to do.  It makes the days go by fast and does not allow me the time to sit and think about negative things.  So all of a sudden it has been a year on our adoption, or my little brother's baby is due in less than a month and I can't even remember where the time has gone, but it is a bit of a blessing in disguise because I don't have time to obsess over the things I don't have.  And then I have parent/teacher conferences and hear that my class is a favorite and how many students come home asking questions, and wanting to know more.  They are asking for book recommendations because their child wants to keep learning.  It's in that moment that I realized I have succeeded, even in the smallest way.  If the only thing a students gets when they leave my classroom is a deeper desire to learn, then I have done my job.  So, then, I just keep pushing forward, and finding new and better ways to entice students to want to learn.

Family Reunion

I can't believe it has taken me this long to post about our family reunion!  Time sure flies when you are as busy as can be!  Well, it was so much fun!  We got into all kinds of trouble, and probably annoyed the neighbors with all of our very loud laughter.

This was our 1st bi-annual family reunion.  It was the first time in over 5 years since our whole family has been together, and it was definitely worth it!  We went to Lake Winnipesauke (sp?) in New Hampshire.  We got to spend a week together in July before we all had to head back to real life.  The best part was that we were there over the 4th of July.

While we were there, we went to Boston.  It was my first time going there and it was truly awesome!  We went to Paul Revere's house, North Church, and the site of the Boston Massacre (among others).  We also ate at this cute little Italian place, and got DELICIOUS sandwiches and calzones.  Unfortunately, Jeremy wasn't feeling well that day, so I only got to go with my mom, dad, little brother, and his wife.  It was well worth it, though.  We laughed and enjoyed it.

The family reunion was so much fun, though!  We were staying in a house right on the lake, so we got to go water skiing, wake boarding, wake surfing, tubing, jet skiing, and other fun adventurous activities (especially with my family).  Somehow, no one got seriously injured.  Even when Jeremy had the "bright" idea to pull a tube behind the Jet Ski.  The look on my brothers' faces as they got whipped around at 60+ miles an hour (easily) was priceless.  It is kind of nice having Jeremy who can now make them the guinea pigs!  The biggest adventure of the whole week, though, when when we ran out of gas, and had to be towed back to the dock.  My nieces were concerned that we would never get back and be stuck there forever, and then we realized there were phones in the glove box, and we called back to the house for a rescue!  It's nice to know we will always rescue each other (even when it's due to our own stupidity).

We also played a very interesting game of reverse charades.  That is where everyone on the team, except one person, has to act out the clue, and one person has to guess the answer.  During the course of the game, Jeremy had to act like he was milking, and my mom became the cow.  I don't think he will ever live that down.  And I'm pretty sure some people may have laughed so hard they peed a little.

The fourth of July was a lot of fun as well.  We ate steaks, and other great food my mom prepared.  Then, we watched fireworks from the dock.  Afterward, when the kids were in bed, the adults (except my mom who stayed back in case any kids woke up), hopped in the boat and drove out to the middle of the lake.  We anchored there and just got to talk.  We laughed about memories, and asked my dad what his greatest advice in life would be.  He told us that it would be to not forget our faith, stay strong in the Gospel, and keep our families strong.  Our serious moment was then interrupted when two of my brothers freaked out over a "GIANT" (it was about the size of a dime) spider that was crawling up my blanket.  I proceeded to calmly swat it off the blanket, and kill it.  I then proceeded to chide them over the fact that I was tougher with spiders than they were.  Those moment don't happen often so I have to take advantage of them.

As all good things do, the reunion came to an end.  We all hopped back in cars and drove back to Deleware, where we stayed for another day before returning to Utah.  We got to go to Longwood gardens, which is BEAUTIFUL!  Then, we got to enjoy flying with three kids under 7.  Luckily there were six adults so we were almost evenly numbered.

Next post (which will hopefully not take as long to write as this one):  The end of summer and beginning of school.












 

Visiting the East coast

As I noted in my last post, I was home for one day from Colorado.  Then I hopped on another plane with my mom and flew to Philadelphia.  My older brothers both live just outside of there which makes it nice easy to visit.  This visit, though, served a dual purpose.  My mom and I were planning to come out around the 23, but one of my sisters-in-law was running in a half ironman and my brother was going down to be here support.  Of course, that meant that they needed someone to watch their kids.  Since they were going to be gone overnight, they wanted to be able to leave their kids at home and not have to go to a friend's house.  That meant that my mom and I got to go out 10 days earlier than planned!  The kids were so excited to see us and they were so wonderful.  We got to take the to church, and watch online as my sister-in-law finished her race.  Since our initial plan was to be there around the 23 in order to prep for our family reunion in New Hampshire, we just stayed.

The saying goes that visitors are like cheese.  They stink after 3 days.  Well, my brother and his family must be saints because they were stuck with us for 2 weeks!  It was nice, though, to just watch them live their lives.  We were a part of their daily routines and I just loved it!  We went to the store, watched swim team practice, went to the pool, the museum, and so many other awesome activities.  It has been so much fun to just watch my nieces and nephews grow over the couple weeks that we have been here.  I watched my niece swim in a meet and learn how to be part of a relay team.  I also got to watch my nephew swim in his first race.  The other coaches were saying he wasn't ready to swim in a meet this year, only in the warm-ups, but his coach kept pushing him and he was ready!  Previously, he had only swam in the lane closest to the wall so he could grab on if needed.  He would swim on his stomach for a while, then roll over to his back to breathe, and keep swimming.  Well, they put him in lane four, right in the middle of the pool.  And he swam the whole way!  It was a very proud moment.  It just helps solidify in my mind that I want my children involved in some type of activity or sport that pushes them and helps them grow socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

We also got to take one of my nieces and nephews to the Deleware Museum of Natural History.  They were so excited to show us around.  We saw animals, dinosaurs, carbon atoms, etc., etc., etc.  I really enjoyed watching the kids learn and grow.  I love sharing learning experiences with kids.  You get to impart your own knowledge and help them gain a deeper understanding of the world.  It is pretty awesome.  Then to be able to explain how important carbon atoms are and help build an example one and how how strong it is was a lot of fun.  Then, as the aunt, I knew I had to do some spoiling and buy my niece and nephew something at the gift shop.  So, I let them each pick two items.  They each chose a stuffed animal (a wolf for my niece and a hammerhead shark for my nephew).  Then they each chose another item.  My niece chose a little notepad for pictures and notes.  My nephew chose this painting kit that had two white, resin dinosaurs.  I was expecting him to just go home and paint it, but as we were leaving he turned to his sister and asked her which dinosaur she wanted to paint.  It was so sweet to watch them share.  Definitely a good learning opportunity for me as I think about my own future children.  It is essential that they spend time around other kids, and have siblings, If possible, to learn how to share, be kind, and have that amazing and deep love of family that I have with my brothers.

My mom and I also got to spend a couple days in New Jersey with my other nieces and nephew from my oldest brother's family.  They were heading up to New Hampshire early because we were going to my sister-in-law's lake house for our family reunion.  So, we came over for a couple days to watch the kids while my sister-in-law packed and got ready to go.  Then we had a couple ore days back in Deleware before heading up to New Hampshire.  We also had some fun because you can't go and spend time with little ones without having a great time!  We went to the tall ships summer fest in Philadelphia.  It was hot and crowded, but still pretty cool.  I had never been to south Philly before and I really enjoy seeing new places.  It was a cool little area with little restaurants and shops and row houses.  It would be fun to live in one for a little while.  I don't know that I could do it for a long time because I like my wide, open, spaces.  Well... It was a bit of a bust because there was some delay that meant the ships didn't do the parade when they were supposed to so we didn't get to see the giant rubber duck that the whole thing is famous for.  That was okay, though, because I was able to spend time with family and that pretty much makes it all worth it!

It is nice to spend time with family and see multiple parenting styles.  It means that I have a lot to draw on when my time comes and I get to see the personalities of my own little ones!

Beginning of summer

What a crazy summer this is turning out to be and I couldn't be happier!  I finished my second year of school at the end of May, and then early in June Jer and I headed off to Colorado for a wedding and family fun.

Things were a little crazy at first because we were in wedding central.  Our good friends (we think of them more as family) Howie and Ambur got married.  We were excited to be there.  They live in Texas but decided to have their wedding in Colorado where Ambur's parents live.  It was a beautiful ceremony and awesome party with just family and close friends.  It was really sad when it was over because we extremely enjoy spending time with them and were sad they had to leave the day after the wedding.  After that we spent a couple days with Jeremy's dad just relaxing and Jeremy learned some welding techniques (his dad is an AMAZING welder).  We got to visit I Jeremy's brother and his wife, as well as their four kids.  We had a big barbecue, laughed, and went for a bike ride.  Of course, it became pretty competitive and there was a big race.  Jeremy and his brother, along with one of our nieces, were so into it.  One of our nephews was just along for the ride to laugh at them.


Later, we went up to Denver to visit one of Jeremy's oldest friends.  We had a nice barbecue with him and his wife and a few other old friends.  It was really nice to all just be able to talk and for Jeremy to catch up with old friends.  It is also incredibly fun to see them because they are hilarious and we always have a lot of great laughs.  It always feels nice to just laugh hard and release any pent up emotion.  Laughter really is the best medicine and is generally better than a good cry.  The next day we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  They had an amazing Egyptian display with two mummies.  One of a poor woman and another of a rich woman and it was so fascinating to see the difference.  I bought some papyrus paintings to use in my classroom.  Then they had a special exhibit of mythical creatures which was really cool.  It had mermaids, unicorns, Griffins, sea monsters, dragons, etc.  and it showed all of the different ways these animals are depicted in different cultures and the different myths about them.  I'll be honest, I was completely geeking out.  We went into a few other exhibits like the space one and the African animals one.  We would have gone into the South America exhibit, but there was this MASSIVE rubber Anaconda at the entrance, and it completely freaked me out.  I don't know what it is about snakes, but I have a completely irrational and debilitating fear of them.  Just looking at this fake snake from the other end of the hall put me into a minor panic attack.  I figured it was best to just avoid that area.  So I did.  We went to the gift shop where I picked up the papyri paintings, and a Chinese dragon statue, as well as a fun European dragon magnet that was on springs and all jiggly.  As we left Jeremy slipped a bag to me and inside was a heart shaped rock painted blue and with the word "LOVE" painted on it.  He said I could put it on my desk and always remember how much he loves me.  (Insert awwwwww here).  He is a pretty amazing guy.

Unfortunately our Colorado trip had to come to an end.  It is always so sad to leave because it is so relaxing and wonderful to spend time with Jeremy's family.  They are so loving and kind.  You always feel welcome and know they have your back.  I was definitely blessed with some of the best in-laws in the world.  I couldn't ask for a more amazing family to be a part of.

We returned home and I spent one day re-packing and resting before I headed off to Deleware and New Jersey.

A new day.....

Oh the joys of being prepared!  When we decided that we wanted adopt, we went in full throttle.  Our minds were set and we knew we were making the right choice.  People have often questioned our decision, and well-meaning friends have pushed us to see their fertility doctor, or visit this or that clinic, but we have no doubt that this is the right way for us to bring children into our lives and family.  Jeremy had already decided well before I did, but I guess I needed a little more convincing.  One beautiful July day, my mom and I had the opportunity to go to the Bountiful, Utah temple.  We just wanted to go and enjoy some time there in a very peaceful place.  While there, I had a distinct feeling that there was a child who was waiting to be in our home.  I didn't feel like this child was already born, but that they would come to us through adoption.  I can't really explain the feeling, or anything else about it, but I knew, without a doubt, that we were to adopt.  So, I got home and told Jeremy.  I was super nervous.  I didn't know how he would react, but all he said was "I feel the same way."  So we began our search.  This all happened about 18 months after we had started trying to have a child, and about a month after we learned that it would be quite complicated for us to do so.  As we talked we both felt that fertility treatments just weren't right.  The cost, travel, hormones, possible surgeries, etc, etc, etc, etc, just weren't something we thought we could handle at that point.

About 18 more months later we had finally settled on an adoption agency: LDS Family Services.  We began the process with them, and about a year or so after that we were approved and waiting!  What a process it was though.  They really go through your life, your family, your situation, ALL OF IT, to make sure they aren't placing a child with crazy people.  Which is definitely good.  5 months after our approval, we found out that things were changing with LDS Family Services and we had another choice to make: go with another agency or pursue independent adoption.  We talked, prayed, though, talked some more, prayed some more, and decided to go with independent adoption.  We looked at different agencies again and again, but none of them felt right for us.  There are some truly incredible agencies out there, but we had to do what we felt was right.

So, here we are!  8 months in and anxiously awaiting "the call."  Or "the email."  Or however it happens.  I can't even begin to imagine the process birth mothers go through in choosing a family to place their child with.  The fact that we could even be considered is such a miracle to me.  They are angels on earth!

In the meantime, I figured I shouldn't sit around and wait while twiddling my thumbs.  I should take some action!  So, I got my Master's Degree, we bought a house, I started a new career, bought a new car, traveled to Yellowstone and Philadelphia, went on our honeymoon, created pass-along cards (coming soon!) and starting prepping a nursery.  I know that might be a little pre-emptive, but I couldn't think of a better way to feel like I was prepared.  We bought a crib (fixed side), dresser/changing table, lamp, rug, glider, and wall decorations.  We decided to go with an owl theme.   Before she passed away, Jeremy's mom had made a bunch of baby quilts.  There was one that jumped out at me for this nursery.  So we had a basic color scheme and idea.

The whole quilt is blue, green, and yellow, with animals on it!  Jeremy then mentioned one that that he loved owl-themed decorations, so owls it was!  We are using the quilt as a wall hanging above the changing table.  My mom, sister-in-law, and I painted the room a beautiful cream color, and then we began the decorating.  We decided where everything should go and started hanging up pictures.  In this process, my family went to see "The Forgotten Carols."  It's a tradition we have to go every year and it is so amazing!  If you haven't seen it, or don't know the story, I would highly suggest you see it or read the book!  And listen to the songs.  There is one song called "Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby," and every time that song is sung I burst into tears.  Some years it has been almost uncontrollable sobs, and other just silent crying.  Either way, I ALWAYS cry.  The song is about a woman who is unable to have children, but has the chance to hold the newborn Jesus.  Well, they were selling pictures that went with this song and I just HAD to have one!

As you can see, it is a beautiful and touching picture.  So, it is included in the nursery!  The whole thing isn't quite done, but I hope to put some pictures up as soon as it is.  Luckily I had some help from my adorably crafty sister-in-law because I am not very good and "cute" decorating, but she is AMAZING!  I think that the next time I decorate I may just hire her.  Anyway, each time I complete a piece of something that I have control over, I always feel a little better about the waiting part.  It really is the hardest part of the whole process.  Especially when you have downtime like I did during Spring Break this past week.  

The crib and nursery, and all that, is not, though, the only meaning behind my statement of "oh the joys of being prepared!"  While we are working to be prepared physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am so grateful that there is someone else making sure I am prepared spiritually.  This is going to be a beautiful and challenging time, and I have no idea what the timeline is.  I can only wait.  Heavenly Father, though, knows all, and I know that he has been preparing me over the last 4+ years to be a mother.  He has helped me to let go of the idea of being pregnant and look with eager anticipation to holding a child in my arms and giving it unconditional love.  He has prepared me to let go of the things I cannot change or control.  To only do what I can and trust in Him.  I have been able to let myself accept His guidance and hand and grow closer to Him.  He has also helped Jeremy and I strengthen our marriage.  I have watched many couples go through infertility and their marriage suffers.  So much thought and pressure is put on the getting pregnant, that the couple loses site of each other.  Jeremy and I have made it a priority to put each other first.  There are moments when the whole process becomes overwhelming, but I know that I have Jeremy to help lift me up in those moments (or vice versa).  I don't have to wonder whether or not I can count on him because I know I can.  And I know that is because we have made sure to keep our marriage strong throughout the whole thing.

Starting up again

I guess it's about time that I start this up again.  It's been a few years... my how things seem to slip away... especially time.  So much has happened!  I am now teaching, and about to finish my second year.  Jeremy has one more year left in his Bachelor's program, and life is moving forward!  We have really enjoyed our time here in Logan and are making the most of it.  We were sealed in 2011 and have spent time together traveling and just riding!

And to the elephant in the room.  We are still infertile!  I guess that isn't really something that goes away, but something that you wish would get off your mind sometimes.  For me, the hard part has never been that I might not get pregnant.  That was never really a part of any of it in my mind.  I never really felt like that was the most important thing in life, or in the process of having children.  The motherhood part has always been the goal.  Throughout it all, the hardest part has been not knowing when I will be a mother.  I know that there are many ways to be a mother and that I partially do that in my classroom, with the 3 year olds I teach at church, with my nieces and nephews, but there is still that innate desire to have children of my own.  I have tried to find ways over the last 4+ years of trying and 8 months of waiting on adoption to keep my spirits up and remember that there is definitely a plan in all of this.  I totally feel like I'm rambling, but sometimes ya just need to ramble.  It is crazy to think that in the time that Jeremy and I have been trying to have kids, I have had two nieces and two nephews come into the world, as well as the announcement of another this October.  And countless friends and extended family having kids.  I didn't keep count (probably because it would have driven me insane), but I have never really been truly upset about that.  Their path is different than mine.  There are times where it is more difficult, probably due to hormones, but, in general, everything is good.  Even with the announcement of the newest addition from my little brother and his wife, I am truly not upset.  If anything, I am extremely excited because it is another baby I get to spoil and love on!

I think the part that is getting to me a little is that it has been "hurry up and wait" through the whole process.  I try to be patient, but there are time when it just gets to you!  That's part of the reason why I try to keep busy because then I don't have time to think about it all.  I really do know that there is a plan and that I will be a mother.  I am just so excited (and slightly anxious) about it that sometimes I can't contain it!  Patience, patience, patience......  I CAN DO THIS!!! IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END!!!