Beginning of summer

What a crazy summer this is turning out to be and I couldn't be happier!  I finished my second year of school at the end of May, and then early in June Jer and I headed off to Colorado for a wedding and family fun.

Things were a little crazy at first because we were in wedding central.  Our good friends (we think of them more as family) Howie and Ambur got married.  We were excited to be there.  They live in Texas but decided to have their wedding in Colorado where Ambur's parents live.  It was a beautiful ceremony and awesome party with just family and close friends.  It was really sad when it was over because we extremely enjoy spending time with them and were sad they had to leave the day after the wedding.  After that we spent a couple days with Jeremy's dad just relaxing and Jeremy learned some welding techniques (his dad is an AMAZING welder).  We got to visit I Jeremy's brother and his wife, as well as their four kids.  We had a big barbecue, laughed, and went for a bike ride.  Of course, it became pretty competitive and there was a big race.  Jeremy and his brother, along with one of our nieces, were so into it.  One of our nephews was just along for the ride to laugh at them.


Later, we went up to Denver to visit one of Jeremy's oldest friends.  We had a nice barbecue with him and his wife and a few other old friends.  It was really nice to all just be able to talk and for Jeremy to catch up with old friends.  It is also incredibly fun to see them because they are hilarious and we always have a lot of great laughs.  It always feels nice to just laugh hard and release any pent up emotion.  Laughter really is the best medicine and is generally better than a good cry.  The next day we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  They had an amazing Egyptian display with two mummies.  One of a poor woman and another of a rich woman and it was so fascinating to see the difference.  I bought some papyrus paintings to use in my classroom.  Then they had a special exhibit of mythical creatures which was really cool.  It had mermaids, unicorns, Griffins, sea monsters, dragons, etc.  and it showed all of the different ways these animals are depicted in different cultures and the different myths about them.  I'll be honest, I was completely geeking out.  We went into a few other exhibits like the space one and the African animals one.  We would have gone into the South America exhibit, but there was this MASSIVE rubber Anaconda at the entrance, and it completely freaked me out.  I don't know what it is about snakes, but I have a completely irrational and debilitating fear of them.  Just looking at this fake snake from the other end of the hall put me into a minor panic attack.  I figured it was best to just avoid that area.  So I did.  We went to the gift shop where I picked up the papyri paintings, and a Chinese dragon statue, as well as a fun European dragon magnet that was on springs and all jiggly.  As we left Jeremy slipped a bag to me and inside was a heart shaped rock painted blue and with the word "LOVE" painted on it.  He said I could put it on my desk and always remember how much he loves me.  (Insert awwwwww here).  He is a pretty amazing guy.

Unfortunately our Colorado trip had to come to an end.  It is always so sad to leave because it is so relaxing and wonderful to spend time with Jeremy's family.  They are so loving and kind.  You always feel welcome and know they have your back.  I was definitely blessed with some of the best in-laws in the world.  I couldn't ask for a more amazing family to be a part of.

We returned home and I spent one day re-packing and resting before I headed off to Deleware and New Jersey.

A new day.....

Oh the joys of being prepared!  When we decided that we wanted adopt, we went in full throttle.  Our minds were set and we knew we were making the right choice.  People have often questioned our decision, and well-meaning friends have pushed us to see their fertility doctor, or visit this or that clinic, but we have no doubt that this is the right way for us to bring children into our lives and family.  Jeremy had already decided well before I did, but I guess I needed a little more convincing.  One beautiful July day, my mom and I had the opportunity to go to the Bountiful, Utah temple.  We just wanted to go and enjoy some time there in a very peaceful place.  While there, I had a distinct feeling that there was a child who was waiting to be in our home.  I didn't feel like this child was already born, but that they would come to us through adoption.  I can't really explain the feeling, or anything else about it, but I knew, without a doubt, that we were to adopt.  So, I got home and told Jeremy.  I was super nervous.  I didn't know how he would react, but all he said was "I feel the same way."  So we began our search.  This all happened about 18 months after we had started trying to have a child, and about a month after we learned that it would be quite complicated for us to do so.  As we talked we both felt that fertility treatments just weren't right.  The cost, travel, hormones, possible surgeries, etc, etc, etc, etc, just weren't something we thought we could handle at that point.

About 18 more months later we had finally settled on an adoption agency: LDS Family Services.  We began the process with them, and about a year or so after that we were approved and waiting!  What a process it was though.  They really go through your life, your family, your situation, ALL OF IT, to make sure they aren't placing a child with crazy people.  Which is definitely good.  5 months after our approval, we found out that things were changing with LDS Family Services and we had another choice to make: go with another agency or pursue independent adoption.  We talked, prayed, though, talked some more, prayed some more, and decided to go with independent adoption.  We looked at different agencies again and again, but none of them felt right for us.  There are some truly incredible agencies out there, but we had to do what we felt was right.

So, here we are!  8 months in and anxiously awaiting "the call."  Or "the email."  Or however it happens.  I can't even begin to imagine the process birth mothers go through in choosing a family to place their child with.  The fact that we could even be considered is such a miracle to me.  They are angels on earth!

In the meantime, I figured I shouldn't sit around and wait while twiddling my thumbs.  I should take some action!  So, I got my Master's Degree, we bought a house, I started a new career, bought a new car, traveled to Yellowstone and Philadelphia, went on our honeymoon, created pass-along cards (coming soon!) and starting prepping a nursery.  I know that might be a little pre-emptive, but I couldn't think of a better way to feel like I was prepared.  We bought a crib (fixed side), dresser/changing table, lamp, rug, glider, and wall decorations.  We decided to go with an owl theme.   Before she passed away, Jeremy's mom had made a bunch of baby quilts.  There was one that jumped out at me for this nursery.  So we had a basic color scheme and idea.

The whole quilt is blue, green, and yellow, with animals on it!  Jeremy then mentioned one that that he loved owl-themed decorations, so owls it was!  We are using the quilt as a wall hanging above the changing table.  My mom, sister-in-law, and I painted the room a beautiful cream color, and then we began the decorating.  We decided where everything should go and started hanging up pictures.  In this process, my family went to see "The Forgotten Carols."  It's a tradition we have to go every year and it is so amazing!  If you haven't seen it, or don't know the story, I would highly suggest you see it or read the book!  And listen to the songs.  There is one song called "Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby," and every time that song is sung I burst into tears.  Some years it has been almost uncontrollable sobs, and other just silent crying.  Either way, I ALWAYS cry.  The song is about a woman who is unable to have children, but has the chance to hold the newborn Jesus.  Well, they were selling pictures that went with this song and I just HAD to have one!

As you can see, it is a beautiful and touching picture.  So, it is included in the nursery!  The whole thing isn't quite done, but I hope to put some pictures up as soon as it is.  Luckily I had some help from my adorably crafty sister-in-law because I am not very good and "cute" decorating, but she is AMAZING!  I think that the next time I decorate I may just hire her.  Anyway, each time I complete a piece of something that I have control over, I always feel a little better about the waiting part.  It really is the hardest part of the whole process.  Especially when you have downtime like I did during Spring Break this past week.  

The crib and nursery, and all that, is not, though, the only meaning behind my statement of "oh the joys of being prepared!"  While we are working to be prepared physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am so grateful that there is someone else making sure I am prepared spiritually.  This is going to be a beautiful and challenging time, and I have no idea what the timeline is.  I can only wait.  Heavenly Father, though, knows all, and I know that he has been preparing me over the last 4+ years to be a mother.  He has helped me to let go of the idea of being pregnant and look with eager anticipation to holding a child in my arms and giving it unconditional love.  He has prepared me to let go of the things I cannot change or control.  To only do what I can and trust in Him.  I have been able to let myself accept His guidance and hand and grow closer to Him.  He has also helped Jeremy and I strengthen our marriage.  I have watched many couples go through infertility and their marriage suffers.  So much thought and pressure is put on the getting pregnant, that the couple loses site of each other.  Jeremy and I have made it a priority to put each other first.  There are moments when the whole process becomes overwhelming, but I know that I have Jeremy to help lift me up in those moments (or vice versa).  I don't have to wonder whether or not I can count on him because I know I can.  And I know that is because we have made sure to keep our marriage strong throughout the whole thing.

Starting up again

I guess it's about time that I start this up again.  It's been a few years... my how things seem to slip away... especially time.  So much has happened!  I am now teaching, and about to finish my second year.  Jeremy has one more year left in his Bachelor's program, and life is moving forward!  We have really enjoyed our time here in Logan and are making the most of it.  We were sealed in 2011 and have spent time together traveling and just riding!

And to the elephant in the room.  We are still infertile!  I guess that isn't really something that goes away, but something that you wish would get off your mind sometimes.  For me, the hard part has never been that I might not get pregnant.  That was never really a part of any of it in my mind.  I never really felt like that was the most important thing in life, or in the process of having children.  The motherhood part has always been the goal.  Throughout it all, the hardest part has been not knowing when I will be a mother.  I know that there are many ways to be a mother and that I partially do that in my classroom, with the 3 year olds I teach at church, with my nieces and nephews, but there is still that innate desire to have children of my own.  I have tried to find ways over the last 4+ years of trying and 8 months of waiting on adoption to keep my spirits up and remember that there is definitely a plan in all of this.  I totally feel like I'm rambling, but sometimes ya just need to ramble.  It is crazy to think that in the time that Jeremy and I have been trying to have kids, I have had two nieces and two nephews come into the world, as well as the announcement of another this October.  And countless friends and extended family having kids.  I didn't keep count (probably because it would have driven me insane), but I have never really been truly upset about that.  Their path is different than mine.  There are times where it is more difficult, probably due to hormones, but, in general, everything is good.  Even with the announcement of the newest addition from my little brother and his wife, I am truly not upset.  If anything, I am extremely excited because it is another baby I get to spoil and love on!

I think the part that is getting to me a little is that it has been "hurry up and wait" through the whole process.  I try to be patient, but there are time when it just gets to you!  That's part of the reason why I try to keep busy because then I don't have time to think about it all.  I really do know that there is a plan and that I will be a mother.  I am just so excited (and slightly anxious) about it that sometimes I can't contain it!  Patience, patience, patience......  I CAN DO THIS!!! IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END!!!

Infertility update

Well, I guess it is time for an update for anyone who wants to know!  I had my diagnostic laparoscopy Monday.   We went in at 6:15am.  Poor Jer worked from 5pm-5am the night before, came home, and took me straight to the hospital.  We did the check in stuff and they took us back.  I had to do a urine pregnancy test, which, of course, was negative (I knew it would be since I had started my period Saturday morning).  They took us back to a small room... It was more of a space with a curtain to separate you from the people across from you.  About four different nurses came in to talk to me and tell me what to expect when I woke up.  Then they put in my IV and gave me some saline.  They also used some numbing stuff on my IV site that made me a little loopy.  The doctor came back to talk to me and explain everything they were going to do.  They were doing a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis, running dye through my Fallopian tubes to see if they are open, a colposcopy (where they look at your cervix through a microscope) and a cervical biopsy.  My previous Pap smear had come back with some abnormal cells (a low amount, but enough to show up on the lab results).  Then the anesthesiologist came to talk to me and we walked back to the O.R.  I laid down on the operating table and then I was out!  Apparently I went to a recovery room to monitor my vital signs and they may have had me awake in there, but I don't remember any of that.  I just remember waking up back in my first room and seeing Jeremy.  That was one of the best sights of my whole life.  It was such a relief to see him and hold his hand.  I was definitely very loopy and Jer said I asked the same questions over and over.  All I remember is eating saltines and drinking apple juice (it took me a few tries to figure out that I should drink the apple juice after I took a bite of the cracker, not the other way around).  The doctor came in to talk to us and I do remember that part. She said they did not find any endometriosis!  That was a very good sign.  They did find that my colon was severely distended and full.  That means it was very swollen and full of crap (as if most of you didn't already know I was full of crap!!).  My doctor said it looks like it has been that way for a while which could be the reason for my pain and discomfort.  So they have me on some medications to help me have regular bowel movements to try to relieve all of that.    I have also done some research and am going to increase my fiber intake through fruits, vegetables, and wheat breads.  I am also going to decrease my dairy intake, including soy milk.  I didn't really get to ask why that could happen, but there are a lot of reasons.  One could be that I was on a lot of different antibiotics in high school for my acne.  That can cause issues, but I will be able to ask more at my follow-up visit later this month.

Now on to the baby talk!  Since there is no endometriosis the doctor feels very positive about my ability to get pregnant!  We are going to try naturally for the next month to allow me to heal.  We are planning, if that doesn't work, to do insemination in September.  Due to the other issues on Jeremy's side from his diabetes, the doctor feels this will be our best shot, but hopefully we will get lucky and get pregnant naturally!  If not, we will get some medical help and hopefully be good to go.

I am definitely feeling much better today than I was yesterday.  My incision sites are still sore, but I am keeping up with my pain meds any time the pain gets bad.  I am also taking the medication to help regulate my colon and some miralax.  I also have some anti-nausea pills that help me eat.  So far I have been able to eat normally and had the most AMAZING stuffed zucchini yesterday that my mom made.  My mom also got me some great stuff from Ulta as a get well!  I also had our compassionate service leader from our ward bring some bread and chicken noodle soup so I feel very spoiled!

Jeremy has been absolutely fantastic through this all!  He was there with me the whole time yesterday.  He held my hand the whole time before they took me and again after.  He was so great getting me into the car and took me straight to get my prescriptions.  He also made sure I drank lots of water, gave me peanut m&ms, chocolate ice cream, and got me any pills I needed.  He has really been so great through this all.  I know he was worried and probably had every possible outcome going through his head, but he was able to push it all aside to be there for me.  It was so wonderful knowing I had him there.

Well,  that is my update so far!  I will keep you all updated!  Thank you for all of your support and stories through this.  They have been very helpful and comforting!

Infertility

It has taken me some time to decide whether or not to write about my experience with infertility. I am normally a very private person and do not share these parts of my life with just anyone. I have decided,though, to share my feelings and I hope this will be a cathartic experience for me.  Let me preface that I will talk about spiritual experiences, and my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

It has been 27 months since we officially started trying for children. We decided to wait a year longer than expected to start because we were moving and Jeremy was starting school again. That was 2010 and it was also the year we lost Wanda (Jeremy's mom) to cancer. At the end of that year we decided it was time to start a family.  We kept going with life in 2011. Jeremy worked diligently at school all year and I started my Master's degree that fall.  Being engaged in something worthwhile helped keep my mind off of our lack of a pregnancy.  My cycle was a bit wacky that year because I was coming off birth control, but it slowly became regular again. For those of you who know me, this next statement will not come as a surprise. My patience was tested!  While I have increased my patience it is still not one of my top virtues. 

After the first year passed with nothing happening we decided to check infertility issues. We started researching and checking with out doctors, but we didn't yet want to start tests. I think neither of us wanted to see that official note that something was wrong.  Well... In June 2012 we finally had some testing done and found that there was an issue. I am not going to go into detail about what the issue is or with whom because that is too personal, but I will tell you that it is an issue that makes it impossible for us to have children without medical intervention.  We tried some medications that were supposed to help, but with no results. So we began researching other options. For whatever reason IVF and other AI options did not seem right. We considered adoption, but not seriously.  

A few months later I had the opportunity to go to the Bountiful Utah temple with my mom.  It was a beautiful day and I felt strongly that I should pray about whether or not we were supposed to adopt.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the LDS church and our doctrines (what we truly believe and not what the world tells you) we believe in personal revelation and that God still speaks to us today.  While in the temple I had a strong feeling about becoming a mother.  It was almost as if a vision opened up before me and I could see my future.  I saw myself with a child.  It was a beautiful little girl and I knew that she was mine, but that I hadn't given birth to her.  I knew, from that moment, that we were supposed to adopt.  It took me a couple of days to convince myself to talk to Jeremy about it.  I thought that he would be upset. I was surprised when he told me he felt similar.  So we began doing some research.  We looked at a lot of different agencies.  We found that most places ranged from $20,000 to $40,000 just for the adoption fee (that didn't include any extra costs like travel or medical expenses for the birth mother.)  We decided to check LDS Family Services and found that they only charge 10% of your income for the fee.  There is a $3000 account set up for the birth mother to use if she chooses.  Anything she doesn't use would be returned to us.  But we had to wait.  We decided not to start anything until after I was finished with my last year of school.  That seemed impossible to me to wait almost a year, but then school started and I got really busy.  May rolled around and it was time to start the process.  

I scheduled our first meeting for the adoption with one of the social workers at our local LDS Family Services office in Logan.  The meeting went well and we got a lot of information on what to expect.  We also got our first paperwork and began working on that.  When we left the office, though, we both had this weird feeling.  Jeremy was in a sheer panic and I had these nagging doubts that we wouldn't be approved for some reason.  We pushed that aside, though, and kept going.  We got the necessary forms for a background check and our Bishop filled out his forms.  The bishop had to mail in his form.  Before I could make the first payment - a non-refundable application fee - I had to make sure our bishop's paperwork had been received.  I contacted our case worker a couple of times, but never got a clear answer.  Now, I do not blame her.  I know she does a lot and works very hard, but it became clear to me at that time, that maybe we were on the wrong path.  

I know that seems weird since we had felt so strongly about adoption in the first place, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason.  Knowing that there was something to look forward to made it easier for me to get through my last year of school without nagging Jeremy. Also, as we have moved forward, I know I could not have done school and what we will have to do moving forward.  I did more praying, talking to family, and sitting in the temple.  I was really confused and needed guidance.  I kept asking if moving forward with adoption was right and just felt confusion and emptiness.  I kept having this persistent feeling to go see my OB/GYN.  "Go see your doctor" was the exact wording.  I talked to Jeremy and he said that if that is what I was feeling then that is what we should do.  It took me a couple weeks to get to making an appointment, but I finally did.  In the meantime, we started trying some natural remedies for Jeremy's fertility issue to see if that would help.  So far, we do not think it is doing what needs to be done, but have since found that there may be more going on.

On July 9th we went in for our first fertility appointment.  I had done some research and found that IUI (intra-uterine insemination) is a possibility for us as long as I ovulate normally.  The only way to know that for sure was to see a doctor and possibly do some testing.  In our first appointment the doctor did a regular Pap smear and tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia (which was, of course negative).  These were to test for the possibility of a cervical issue or Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.  Those have now both been ruled out.  We discussed my menstrual cycle and a normal period for me.  

Since high school I have had horrible, awful, no good, very bad periods.  I have cramps that will only go away with a heat pad, rest, and some pretty strong pain meds (tylenol, ibuprofen, and Midol do NOT make it go away, they only dull it).  The cramps are not only in my lower abdomen, but also my lower back.  I also get pretty bad nausea and have vomited from the pain.  I also get extremely fatigued and have digestive issues (these occur at all times, but are worst during my period and have gotten worse with time).  The doctor said these were pretty common signs of endometriosis.

For those of you who aren't familiar with endometriosis it is when endometrial cells that normally line the uterus do not sluff off normally during your period.  Normally, they will sluff off and bleed out of the vagina.  When you have endometriosis, some of the cells will go back up toward your Fallopian tubes, exit the uterus, and attach to the outside of the uterus, intestines, and/or other pelvic organs and walls.  This causes the symptoms I experience as well as being the leading cause of infertility in women. 

This, though, allows the doctor to create  a plan of action that is more concrete than, "we have no idea what is going on and will do some tests."  I go in this week for a diagnostic ultrasound to check for abnormalities and any endometrial cysts that might show up.  They will also do blood tests to check my thyroid hormones, prolactin (a brain hormone), and ovary hormones.  These have to be tested between days 3 and 7 of my cycle, which means right after you start your period (so, yes, I am on my period...watch out!).  Then, between days 20-22, I will go in to have some more blood tests done to check for ovulation and progesterone.

Then comes the big part of the tests (the moment of truth really).  The doctor needs to check to ensure my Fallopian tubes are open.  If they are not then, of course, no egg would ever get to my uterus and sperm couldn't get to the egg anyway!  There are two ways to do this, but the doctor (and we) are leaning toward one.  One of the tests is a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) where they inject a dye in your tubes and use x-ray to see if the due travels normally to your uterus or gets stuck.

The other option, and the one we are leaning toward, is a laparoscopy.  It is a surgery where small incisions are made in the abdomen.  They can check the Fallopian tubes, as well as look for endometriosis.  It is the only way to diagnose endometriosis with a certainty and to know the extent.  Endometriosis is a weird thing because some women with severe cases have few symptoms and those with mild cases have severe symptoms.  I am hoping to schedule this surgery in between my jobs (I start a teaching job in the fall).  That way, I have plenty of time to rest and recuperate before starting teaching.  If they do find endometriosis they can remove it by burning it off.

Then, depending on the severity and what is done in the surgery, we can try IUI.  As long as I am ovulating normally we want to try IUI without any injections or ovulation-inducing medicine to begin.  We can always do that if it doesn't work, but want to try without it first.  When we would be able to do that, again, will depend on what they find in the surgery.  It can be anywhere from 1 month to 6 months.  The surgery, though, will relieve my endometriosis symptoms and double our pregnancy chances for the next year.  

After Jeremy and I left the doctor's office, we both felt really good.  We did not feel fear, uncertainty, or doubts.  To me, that means we are on the right path to having a family.  It used to be difficult to drive by baby stores, see other people having babies, or, even, hear people complain about their kids.  Don't they know just how lucky they are to be able to get pregnant without difficulty??  That, though, has changed since seeing the doctor.  I feel like I have something concrete to hold onto.  Something real.  A diagnosis that means there is hope.  I think, it also helps take that responsibility off of Jeremy.  There is an issue on both sides.  It also means that we will know how we can add to our family in the future.  In the end, I have to have hope and faith that if I just follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit that we will be blessed.  I know that we WILL have a family.  I have always known that my greatest calling in life will be to be a mother.  Now, I just have to have the faith and patience (the hardest part for me) to let it go, and put my trust in Heavenly Father's plan.  I am just grateful I have my family, Jeremy, and the comforts of faith to get through this.  

The terrible two's have begun..... dun dun DUUUUUN!

It has begun!! My oldest niece, Emory Reese Kirkham, is officially two! She is such a darling, sweet little girl who loves to talk and read and color. She loves Dora and animals. I am so glad that she is part of the Kirkham family and want to wish her a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!!

I can't believe it has taken me almost three months to get to this. On August 5, 2010, a beautiful little baby girl entered the world!!! Lucy Kathleen Kirkham is such a sweet little baby (from what I've heard, I haven't had the opportunity to meet her yet). She is super cute in every picture, though, and has a wonderful big sister who adores her!! WELCOME TO THE WORLD, LUCY!!!